The day after Christmas...

This year Christmas was kinda uneventful for me... Basically I fall sick and did nothing but lazing around... It's kinda make me more tired and sleepy after taking the medicine... Like my body is getting more and more weaker... Just another like another day for me... It's nothing special... Though many people always say that christmas was the day when Christ was born into this world and we should make this day memorable where gifts are given to one another... But deep inside my heart, tells me that Christmas is all in the heart... No matter when and where, Christ will always be in your heart... Remember Christ not only during Christmas but for the rest of the 364 days too...

At first, I just don't wanna think of anything nor accept anything at all... But God always have a way to let you to listen to Him, listen to His still, warm voice... Which you will never forget about Him... In my own body, I'm weak and sinful... I'm nothing if I haven't had Christ in my heart... Knowing that I will still sin no matter what may come and try to stop me but I'll still do it... Wanting to do the things that my body is longing but my heart is not... It's just not easy to be a human being... At times, I even questioned God; why do you let us come into the world and be condemned?? Some of us might try so hard to be saved, but couldn't... Some of us just live our lives as who we are in the world... Some of us just don't care who is God... How can the world be saved?? There are so many people perished in the past which is already writen in the bible... How could I be saved if I still find it hard to do what pleases God... In my heart, I keep thinking that doing my best just isn't the answer... Been wanting to serve God, but still walking in the dark... How ironic could it be?? Couldn't even imagine that I could be in heaven... All I can think of is how sinful I am, and how unworthy I am to be the Child of God... I am so ashamed of Christ which I just couldn't stand up for Him... I have become part of the world which will be perish with Mr S.A.Tan himself... I just don't know what to do anymore... Great knowledge and wisdom that God has granted which I did not use it... I don't know what to do in my life anymore... Just clueless about everything... All I can see is darkness... Wanting to break free from my bondages, but later still return to it...

O Lord, my God...
I'm so unworthy standing at Your throne...
Cover myself with shame and evil deeds...
I'm nothing but dirt collected from the ground...
Unholy and Unjust...

But... Your Love, Your Grace and Your Mercy taken my shame away...
Pour out Your blood and wash over me...
Cleanse me from deep within...
Places where I did not know...
And You still continue to lead me out of my own darkness...

O Lord, my God...
There is no way that I could repay you...

No matter how depressed I could be, how things stressed me up, how directionless I am... I still know that God is always with me... He will not leave me nor forsake me... And He will stand together with me... Even more, He will stand in my place in time of judgement... Though I still fear what will happen in the future, but I'll also learn to surrender it all to God... No point for me to just say something but didn't mean it... Then it'll be NATO(No Action, Talk Only)... I do think that God will still give us time to be tested, time to think and also time to change as well... As long we are in Him and He in us...

When I asked the question that I mention above, straight away I know it in my heart that God is in control of everything... He allow such things to happen for a reason, a reason that He yet to reveal... But all I can say is all because of our own human's desire... Greed of money, possession and power... The most important thing is that God's love, grace and mercy for us is uncountable... He will pardon us from all sin, but this doesn't mean that you can do anything you want... Just go according to God's commandment... =)

Even I could be still clueless about what I wanna do next, but I still want to believe that God will still lead and guide me through... Hopefully I can have the answer soon...